I started out with the intention to post about 12-18 pictures of butterflies, but when I started searching I was astounded with the variety, the range of colors and the shape of all the various but…
Source: Butterflies Abound!
Previously I posted about what Borderline Personality Disorder is and the symptoms thereof. Today I want to share what it FEELS like to suffer from BPD from a personal perspective. I started with a lot of text but, disturbingly and much to my surprise, I found it extremely difficult to put adequate words to my emotions and thoughts.
BPD is what many have called a ”wastebasket diagnosis” – it’s not psychosis and it’s not neurosis; it’s a very misunderstood and complex condition that some are diagnosed as having when no other diagnosis seems to fit. This is so unfortunate, because the result is that it is often ”pooh-poohed”; not treated; and most people (those who have actually heard of it) seem to think that it’s just a matter of lack of willpower and manipulation on the part of those who suffer from it. I’m here to say ”BULLSHIT you ignoramus!” to all those who deny it’s existence or don’t believe that it is quite difficult and painful to deal with.
There are many symptoms related to BPD but for me the most disturbing types of symptoms
fall into 5 main categories that cause me to feel the most emotionally and mentally splintered, perturbed and despondent:
Difficulty controlling impulses or emotions
– Inappropriate or frivolous spending leaving me short for paying necessities… BOOM! Stress and anxiety
– Overwhelming and inappropriate feelings that cause significant distress
– Substance abuse to mask / temper anguish, discomfort and shame
Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships
– Unhealthy emotional attachments
– Eradication of self-image and personal values when consumed by desperate, emotionally dependent ties
Fear of abandonment or rejection
– Seeking approbation and value through others leads to terror and the constant belief that the ”true” me will be discovered and I will be left isolated and lonesome
Feelings of self-loathing (with self-mutilation)
– Constantly floating through my thoughts due to the aforementioned. How can I feel anything but enmity and disgust towards myself in the face of my behavior? Sometimes the rage is so intense that I mutilate myself because I feel I deserve to be punished and also the physical pain calms the inner turmoil
Suicidal behavior (or ideation)
– INTENSE, that’s what I am and so not dealing with any important negative emotions can morph them into suicidal behavior
– I do not want to hurt my kids, and I am generally afraid of trying to killing myself, but I so often wish that I could simply push a button and cease to exist
– I have made 3 suicide attempts in my life when I just couldn’t stand my existence anymore… I felt subhuman and hopeless. My bipolar disorder played a role in them as well
How does BPD make me feel? Like a strange animal doing a balancing act high above what is the dangerous, scary ”real life” that I can’t seem to fit into.
I am part of this life but my life is not part of the norm of my culture. My disorder keeps me separate from the majority and perpetuates itself. I must work diligently and put tremendous effort into carving out a life with BPD that is as calm and stable as possible because it is ”normal” for me to be fearful, frantic and befuddled.
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